Sketch: What's in Alexander Burnett's lunchbox?

If you ever find yourself invited to dinner with Alexander Burnett, definitely ask what he’s serving. Or else you might get fed something a bit unusual.

The MSP revealed in parliament that he’d developed a taste for grey squirrel – “or the American tree rat, as it is more correctly known”. Sounds yummy.

It was, he claimed, all in aid of supporting the red squirrel. Speaking in a debate about invasive non-native species, he insisted the smaller British variety must be protected at all costs from its American rivals.

“The competition between red and grey squirrels is a man-made problem, so it is our responsibility to manage it by any means,” Burnett said, somewhat menacingly. “Even, as I did once, daring to cook and serve grey squirrels, Peking duck-style, in an effort to encourage a culinary market.”

He told his colleagues that grey squirrels were responsible for “essentially starving red squirrels”. So really, it’s their just deserts that they would end up on a platter themselves. Very occasionally they might come with a side of squirrel pox, he said, but no matter. It just adds a bit of extra spice to the dish.

“Sadly, it didn’t take off,” Burnett mournfully admitted. Not every business idea is destined for success. But perhaps the unpalatable threat of pox meat is what stuck in the craw.

With the Conservatives under threat, could the response simply be to just… eat Reform UK? No candidates, no problem!

Burnett later accepted that there is probably a more “effective strategy” to saving the red squirrel than eating its foe. He said “professional grey squirrel control” had proven successful. So maybe the answer instead is to professionalise the cooking – hiring a TV chef could do wonders for the meat’s reputation. Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall seems the type who could get on board with squirrel pie. Or perhaps Heston Blumenthal, who would no doubt create some kind of tree rat foam topped with an acorn whip.

To be fair to Burnett, squirrel is a delicacy elsewhere in the world so perhaps the suggestion is not as bonkers as it first seems. As climate action minister Alasdair Allan noted, Elvis Presley was known to have a liking for the dish. “I never thought that I would find myself mentioning Mr Burnett of Leys and Elvis in the same sentence, but it seems that they have something in common in their alleged taste for eating squirrels,” he said. Well, if it’s a meal fit for the King…

And it’s not just grey squirrels for which eating is a solution – Japanese knotweed, too, can be cooked and consumed. It leads a person to wonder, what other problems could be solved by eating them?

Scotland’s deer overpopulation issue seems like an obvious one, and that could also help address food poverty. All that venison could help the government fulfil its commitment to provide free school meals to all primary school children. This is the kind of non-siloed thinking politicians are always told they need.

And leftists have that very trendy slogan, ‘eat the rich’. Perhaps they meant it literally. Wealth hoarding won’t be a problem if the wealth hoarder has been eaten, after all.

And maybe the political party of which Burnett is a member can take a leaf out of that book for its own gain. With the Conservatives under threat because of competition on the right, could the response simply be to just… eat Reform UK? No candidates, no problem! And they are rumoured to taste like gammon.

This could also be how Russell Findlay becomes first minister. Eating all of his political rivals probably has a greater chance of success that the Tories do of winning the 2026 election… although cannibalism probably doesn’t marry up with their claim to be the champions of mainstream Scotland.

Anyway, back in the chamber to the invasive species debate, Christine Grahame pondered how some of them got into the country. One example is a “scorpion that had innocently taken shelter in a pair of trainers ordered online,” she said.

She went on to advise everyone to check their shoes before putting them on – not because of possible invasive species, but because it just makes good sense. “I once found a dead mouse in one of mine,” she revealed. Truly, she is a cautionary tale.

Grahame then confessed to helping invasive species on occasion. Some Japanese knotweed once flourished at the bottom of her garden – though she insisted this was some time ago, “before we knew that it was up to mischief”. And more scandalous was the time she bought an American skunk cabbage, which she was later told “destroy”. Whoopsie.

If you thought non-native species were getting an unfair rep, they did at least have one defender in parliament. Colin Smyth highlighted that some brought commercial benefits, while others were not immediately damaging, and others still couldn’t even get established in Scotland. Expect Smyth to be tweeting #NotAllInvasiveSpecies any day now.