Sketch: What could Humza Yousaf learn from Holyrood's top dog?

If any political party needs an example of how to run an event, they need only look at the Holyrood Dog of the Year competition.

It had enthusiasm. It had excitement. It had a clear message. And it really drew in crowds from across the political spectrum and beyond.

Take note, Humza Yousaf, who two days before had hosted his party’s Independence Convention which had… err… none of those same qualities.

MSPs and others had gathered outside the Scottish Parliament with man’s best friend (some of them owned, some of them borrowed).

He’s a power dog,” Webber shouted as her arm was once against wrenched from her shoulder

Ash Regan would tell anyone that would listen that her dog, Lexie, was an “ancient Scottish breed”. Go figure. Perhaps she was hoping that would stir up the nationalist vote. She was later told to stop lobbying one of the judges (Christine Grahame).

It seems Lexie inherited some of her owner’s political nous. When it came to showing off her skills in agility, Lexie happily stepped over the smaller hurdles without problem. The bigger ones… Well, Lexie is no fool and, like any good politician, deftly avoided even attempting them. Securing the lowest-hanging fruit, instead of overpromising and under-delivering, is a sure-fire way of shoring up support.

Sue Webber’s Hungarian Vizsla Alfie, meanwhile, spent the morning proving he was above such frivolity. Dragging his owner to and fro (“he’s a power dog,” Webber shouted as her arm was once against wrenched from her shoulder), Alfie was unconcerned with anything that wasn’t edible.

The other Alfie, a Cocker Spaniel brought by Gillian Mackay, also proved to be equally uninterested in agility. He spent the morning being pep-talked by his Green companion. “Give them your big puppy dog eyes,” she told him before stepping into the judging pen. He responded by barking. Loudly. And repeatedly. Mackay sheepishly laughed, adding: “Is it any surprise the dog I brought doesn’t have an indoor voice?”

Unsurprisingly, the MSP who proved to be most in command of her canine companion was Presiding Officer Alison Johnstone. The pair had only met 10 minutes before, but almost immediately Johnstone had rescue dog Oakley jumping hurdles and eating right out of her palm (literally). She’s  not PO for nothing. Indeed, it seems Oakley was less of a challenge than some of her parliamentary colleagues.

#Buster4FM, I say

Top dog on the day, though, was long-time competitor but first-time winner Buster. The Golden Retriever, who owns human David Torrance, has been entering the competition every year since he was one. Now six, he can finally retire with Holyrood Dog of the Year on his resumé.

Not to accuse anyone of playing dirty, but Buster and Torrance did employ some interesting tactics to secure the win. Torrance went round telling everyone that Buster had improved his life immeasurably. And Buster went around rolling over for anyone that approached, offering belly rubs. The heart melts at the sight of a Golden Retriever’s belly…

Perhaps these are tactics Torrance’s boss Yousaf could employ as he seeks to break Scotland free from Westminster’s leash. Unfortunately all his Convention achieved was proving he had no new ideas.

What we did find out was the Yousaf may or may not use the next general election as a referendum, that he will or will not immediately seek to begin discussions on securing independence after said election, and that he might or might not use that victory to secure a referendum which he may or may not want. And then he accused Westminster of being “increasingly erratic”.

“The SNP will absolutely fight the next election with independence front and centre of our campaign,” he told the room. This announcement was met by cheering, hollering and foot-stamping, leaving the rest of us confused about how this was any different to previous elections.

“If the SNP does win this election then the people will have spoken. We will seek negotiations with the UK Government on how we give democratic effect to Scotland becoming an independent nation,” he announced. And what does “give effect” mean, exactly? Well, that’s not for him, the first minister and leader of the SNP, to answer. That is a question for the UK Government, who he will politely ask one more time: Can Scotland please, please, please be independent?

What Yousaf did promise was some draft legal text, a consultation and work on “preparing the ground”. Which is perhaps the most Humza Yousaf pledge to have ever been pledged.

And when some commentators expressed a little confusion about what had actually been announced at the Convention, El Presidente swung into action to defend his man in government. Mike Russell insisted it was “democracy 101” that “elections are elections”. “If you win an election, you have a responsibility to move forward what you have argued for,” he added… which is mostly a fair point, apart from the fact that it’s not clear for what Yousaf intends to argue.

#Buster4FM, I say.