Sketch: Tory MSP are furious about the Chagos Islands

The Conservatives have had a tough time of late. Being plagued by in-fighting and law-breaking, and then getting gubbed at the election, has sparked some soul-searching. But they’re confident they’ve now found a revival strategy. One that unites the party. One that will give them a future. And that future is a mere 6,000 miles away.

Foreign secretary David Lammy has been brought to parliament to explain why, exactly, the UK was giving up the Chagos Islands. Furious Tory MPs simply cannot believe that the UK Government is planning to… give up some land that it’s essentially been squatting on for 60 years.

Lammy begins by insisting the choice was ultimately between abandoning military bases or breaking international law. The opposite benches shout this is “not true”, but then we know that this is a party which has no problem breaking international law. Or domestic law, for that matter.

The foreign secretary goes on to say it was important to “do a deal on our own terms”. And that’s why, he continues, he was simply continuing the work of his predecessors – one David Cameron and one James Cleverly. Do those names ring a bell, he taunts. Take that, Tories!

Clearly pleased with the outcry that received, Lammy rubs salt in the wound. Sadly, he says, those negotiations were unsuccessful and he “inherited unfinished business”.

Robert Jenrick accuses Lammy of serving the ‘global diplomatic elite’… It’s as though he’s read the Dummy’s Guide to Being Nigel Farage

“Inaction was not a strategy,” he explains – rather boldly, given the lack of action the government is taking elsewhere. Inaction is very much a strategy when it comes to scrapping the two-child cap and its rape clause or stopping energy bills rising or helping pensioners not freeze this winter.

Still, the reason why the government is taking action when it comes to BIOT – British Indian Ocean Territory – is because Lammy is a self-proclaimed “transatlanticist”. No, I’m not sure what he means either.

“What we mean is what we say,” he doesn’t clarify. Well, it’s difficult to argue he doesn’t mean what he says when it’s not clear what he’s meaning or saying.

Clearly, though, the Conservatives seem to think the Chagos Islands will be some sort of reverse Falklands. Instead of keeping a beleaguered prime minister in office, it will force one out.

Shadow foreign secretary Andrew Mitchell is flabbergasted. With the world more dangerous than it’s been in decades, how can the UK Government willingly (peacefully) give up some land to a government which Chagossians “feel little affinity to, if any”. One wonders if those people felt any affinity to the UK as they were forced from their homes.

This is a deal Lord Cameron “would never have done”, Mitchell argues. And then adds, somewhat reluctantly, that Cleverly wouldn’t have done it either. He clearly doesn’t want to give a leadership contender he isn’t backing more airtime than he has to.

Lammy responds with the air of a dejected parent. He’s not angry, just disappointed. “Rest easy and put down some of the bombast,” he instructs. Because telling someone to calm down is a sure fire way to get them to calm down.

Thankfully, the next question is from the chair of the Foreign Affairs Committee so perhaps Lammy will get a more serious query. Emily Thornberry wishes to probe the minister on “a particular aspect of the treaty that I do not believe will get a great deal of attention”. And that aspect is… tuna fish. What will happen to the Chagossian fish, she wonders. Lammy promises the fish will be protected.

And now it’s time for what we’ve all been waiting for: the Conservative beauty pageant.

Tom Tugendhat accuses the government of having “violated” the principle of sovereignty and goes on to mention Gibraltar and the Falklands for reasons only known to Tom Tugendhat.

“Truly, nobody apart from a boy called Jack has ever made a worse deal on the way to market. He’s come back with a handful of beans that he’s trying to sell as a prize,” Tugendhat says. Seriously? This is his last opportunity to convince Tory MPs to back him and he channels a children’s bedtime story? Fee-fi-fo-fum, I smell the end of the bid from Tom.

Born-again right-winger Robert Jenrick accuses Lammy of serving the “global diplomatic elite” instead of Brits, “all so the foreign secretary can feel good about himself at his next north London dinner party”. It’s as though he’s read the Dummy’s Guide to Being Nigel Farage.

Speaking of whom, the Reform leader also pipes up to rail against his arch-enemy: a “spurious foreign court”. But Farage’s substantive question concerns a friend. “How confident are you that Donald Trump, if he becomes the 47th president of the USA, approves of this deal?”

Shit, did anyone check with Nige’s mate that this was ok? To be fair, Lammy did once call the former (and possibly future) president a “neo-Nazi sociopath” so that WhatsApp message probably got left on read.