Sketch: This time it’s (not) personal, Lorna Slater

The attempt to bring down Lorna Slater the Minister had nothing to do with Lorna Slater the Person, the Scottish Conservatives were at pains to say. Honestly, they have absolutely nothing against her personally. They just hate everything she stands for, believes and does.

But it wasn’t personal, Liam Kerr MSP insisted, as he moved a motion of no confidence against the Green minister. Indeed, he’s “never brought a vote of no confidence,” he told colleagues as he tried to persuade them to bring down Slater. “And I hope never to again,” he added. That didn’t quite seem genuine.

“I don’t know Lorna Slater,” he said, and he does “not doubt for a minute her integrity”. “I do not doubt that she strives to do her best,” he continued. It’s just that she’s been terrible at it, he thinks. He’s smart enough not to say the quiet bit out loud. He’s still got to pretend it’s not personal.

It’s clear, he went on, that the minister has “struggled” with the brief and what he’s proposing now is, in fact, a kindness. Better to quit while your behind, he argued.

Because the deposit return scheme in its current state is “well-intentioned but fails to achieve its aims”, he said. He was definitely speaking about just the DRS here. That’s definitely not an oblique reference to Slater herself. It’s not personal, it’s just politics…

He went on to criticise Slater’s use of private ferries and “an empty limousine”. “Indeed, she has used a chauffeur-driven car for 50 journeys in the past year!” he said. But it’s still not personal.

He finished by saying Slater’s actions showed “significant errors of judgment in a portfolio that we all want – no, need – to succeed”. Kerr has not been willing a political opponent to fail. He wouldn’t do that. He just wants to save the planet… from the Greens.

His colleague Rachael Hamilton also insisted the debate about Lorna Slater is “not personal”. And then she labelled Slater a “King Midas in reverse” because “everything that Ms Slater has touched has seemed to turn to…” Shit? “…screeching U-turns, lengthy delays and anything but gold.” Ah, parliamentary language for ‘shit’.

“However, I would say that her failures” – again, nothing personal – “do not need to be a bad thing; we can learn from these mistakes,” Hamilton continued. She said Slater had a “woeful record on maintaining the trust of the people of Scotland”. Honestly, if I were Slater, things would really be starting to feel quite personal by now.

But Hamilton suggested the whole thing was actually a clever ploy by the SNP who needed a “scapegoat”. Slater was “thrown to the wolves and the wolves have had a field day,” she said, wolf-ily.

Labour’s Sarah Boyack, too, acknowledge the whole debacle wasn’t entirely Slater’s fault. But still, “it is not fair for workers to lose their jobs… and for Lorna Slater not to lose hers,” she added.

And Lib Dem Alex Cole-Hamilton – who insisted he took “no pleasure” in the debate (if you have to say it…) – said the situation was “too far gone” for Slater to keep the confidence of parliament. But what had really irked Cole-Hamilton, more than anything else, was that the Tories didn’t talk to him about the motion before bringing it to parliament. Hates FOMO, this man.

But before you start to feel too bad for Slater, she did at least have two Knights there to defend her. Sir Humza, riding in on a unicorn, said the debate was simply to “deflect” from the Conservatives problems. And to be fair to the FM, looking at the next day’s front pages… it does seem to have worked.

With Slater clapping along beside him – she really loves this tune – Yousaf said the blame for the DRS failure lies “solely and squarely” with the UK Government. He is, he says, “proud” to have brought Greens into government for the first time in the UK. The SNP’s biggest achievement, no doubt.

“Instead of working to deliver a better Scotland, the Conservatives are doing what their colleagues in Westminster are telling them to do,” Yousaf says. “By contrast, Lorna Slater…” is doing what he tells her to do? “…works every day to serve the people of Scotland.” Potato, potahto.

Slater’s second defender, Sir Mark, got to his feet and angrily accused the Tories of a “shameless, cynical and desperate stunt”. Ruskell was ready to go to bat for his friend and colleague, saying he was “proud” of her, calling her a “doer” and adding the parliament is “lucky to have her”. Honestly, we all need a friend like Ruskell, ready to big us up at our lowest moments.

“This parliament needs more Lorna Slaters and so does the government, so get used to her. She is just getting started,” he ends, menacingly.