Sketch: The UKIP Scotland manifesto launch

The location of the UKIP manifesto launch had been kept under wraps, probably because of the widespread suspicions everyone hates them. On a previous trip to Edinburgh Nigel Farage had been trapped in a pub on the Royal Mile by demonstrators, and it may have been this experience which drove the party to hold its launch in a B&B. At least if protestors trapped Farage this time he could just go to bed.

Downstairs, the smell of fry-ups hung in the air. Upstairs, the sun streamed into a tall, wood-panelled room. Three chairs lined the front, next to a banner saying, ‘Shake up Holyrood, vote UKIP’. Someone had put their mobile number on the banner, which seemed bold.

An accordionist, wearing full Highland dress, played jaunty ceilidh tunes. People clapped along. UKIP Scotland leader David Coburn had described him as the “second best accordionist in Scotland”. He also claimed he was a UKIP supporter, though the accordionist himself denied this. Coburn said he thought the best accordionist in Scotland was a Lib Dem.

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Eventually the main act arrived. Coburn and Farage marched side-by-side down the aisle, while the accordionist played ‘Scotland the Brave’. Farage grinned like an imbecile. It was like some hellish wedding. Coburn opened proceedings, describing Farage as “one of the greatest speakers of our times” and claiming 75 per cent of Scotland’s laws are made in Brussels.

“Entrepreneur may be a French word, but the French don’t seem to understand the meaning of it,” he said. A small laugh rippled through the crowd. He paused. “I copied George Bush there,” he added.

Farage, meanwhile, sat off to the side, gazing out the window on the other side of the room. By that point Coburn had moved from UKIP’s tax policies onto why his bins confuse him. “At the moment I have more bins outside my house than I know what to do with. So many colours. The one thing they all have in common, these bins, is that they never seem to get emptied.”

Now some would question the wisdom of electing a man who cannot understand the concept of bin collections to a national parliament, but Coburn ploughed on.

Still talking about his bins, Coburn continued: “I am fed up with that, and so are most Scots. We want to see weekly bin collections. It may seem minor” – it did seem minor – “but to the average person on the street it’s important. We don’t want the whole place infested by rats.”

It sounded as if Coburn may have been confusing bin collections with rat collections, but still, he kept going. “We don’t want to see Scotland turned into Cairo, or something like that. We want to see weekly bin collections.”

Next to Coburn, the different regions of Scotland were listed at the top of the campaign poster. They did not include Cairo. Not yet.

Things had become really weird. People glanced at each other in the audience. Farage did his trademark grin, but behind it his eyes betrayed a look of silent, frozen horror. He looked haunted.

But maybe Coburn had a point. The Egyptian Scottish National Party has been dominating Egyptian Scotland for too long. There was really no reason to doubt him, apart from on the basis of the things he was saying, and because of the credibility of the man himself.

Farage came next. Photographers sprang into action, though it wasn’t clear whether that was because of Farage’s fame or because they had never seen a man who looked so much like a desperately unhappy, wrinkled thumb before.

First he had to deal with the Coburn in the room. “People describe David as being the best-known MEP from Scotland. I think he is probably the best known MEP in Strasbourg, and one of the few people I know who makes me feel like a shy introvert.”

People laughed. Coburn gulped. The only reason polls show higher support for the EU in Scotland, Farage explained, was that “no one has been challenging the nonsense put out by the so-called nationalists.”

“There is only one independence party in British politics. There is only one independence party in Scottish politics.”

He was obviously talking about the Egyptian Scottish National Party again. First you get the Egyptians, then you get the independence, then you get the bins. It was a good manifesto. After that things moved to a Q&A.

Someone asked Farage, why did UKIP want to repeal airgun legislation, given it could end in people getting shot? “You wouldn’t want to see people walking down the street in Edinburgh with an airgun,” Farage conceded, “but out on the hills it’s a different story.”

“You could make the same argument all the way through our manifesto,” Farage pointed out. Loads of UKIP policies could apparently end in people getting shot.

“In pubs, we want a separate smoking room,” he said, “You could make the same argument about someone whose dad died last week of lung cancer.” Which is true, you could. 

“If you allow people to be responsible, they generally will be,” Farage said. Coburn watched on.