Sketch: The Lib Dems get lost at sea

What’s wrong with the Lib Dems? As ever, the most reasonable answer is probably dark magic.

Usually in politics, the simplest explanation is the best. In this case, it looks very much like someone rubbed a magic lamp to wish for a centre party with a coherent position on both Scottish independence and the European Union, but wasn’t careful enough with their wording.

It’s like a failed Alanis Morissette lyric. You’ve got ten thousand spoons, when all you need is a knife. You need a new centrist force in UK politics, when all you’ve got is the Lib Dems.

Those poor guys. In fact, it probably tells you quite a bit about the current state of the party that when pro-EU campaigner Gina Miller arrived as a guest speaker at the Lib Dem conference, she felt the need to rule out taking over as leader.

Better to be safe than sorry and all that, but it would usually go without saying. “Today I speak to you as a friend and someone who feels a bond with you on many issues,” she said, “but may I say straight away, particularly for the benefit of the journalists here, I am not addressing you as your leader-in-waiting.”

And everyone laughed, though it did seem to tail off to a disappointed silence. That’s another one down. Even Sir Vince Cable, the current leader, has already said he wants to quit, it’s just that he feels unable to do so until after Brexit. Which, oddly, is the opposite of what almost every senior member of the Conservative Party seems to have done.

You’ve got to question if the mistake they’re making in choosing a new leader is giving people the choice. There’s a penguin in Edinburgh Zoo, for example, called Nils Olav, who has been promoted to Lance Corporal in the Norwegian army. Now Brigadier Sir Nils Olav never put himself forward for the ceremonial role, but he’s still doing it. And if a King Penguin can hold a senior position in the Norwegian army, what would stop one from improving on the Lib Dems’ current record?

Nothing, really. OK, unlike Sir Vince, Sir Nils may not have a thorough grounding in UK politics – though as a flightless bird, he is permanently grounded – but on the other hand, he can hold his breath for over five minutes. It’s doubtful whether Sir Vince could go more than thirty seconds, and he’s probably never hunted a squid in his life.

Rules on members of a foreign military serving in parliament may be a problem, admittedly, but it’s certainly looking like the Lib Dems are going to have to get creative in finding a new leader one way or another.

So it was at least heartening to know the leadership is on stronger ground in Scotland, with Willie Rennie arriving in Brighton to dispense some wisdom of his own. So what advice could Rennie offer to the UK party? Surely he had some tips on cementing stability?

“Breaking up,” he explained, sagely, “is hard to do.” Oh god. Cable has already announced he’ll quit as soon as he can, that penguin doesn’t seem keen, and now Rennie was using his conference speech to launch a break-up chat. It’s not EU, it’s me.

But it was OK, Rennie wasn’t quitting. In fact, he’s delighted with the way things are going. As he put it, “the Lib Dems are delivering across Britain”.

It was a bold claim for a party out of power basically everywhere. So what were the DeLiberoos delivering? Mostly, it was opposition to Brexit, it seemed.

“I ventured out to the North Sea,” he boasted, before adding, somewhat apologetically, that he had “left my sea legs at home”.

The crew had told him ginger biscuits would help, apparently. “I’m not a doctor,” he explained. “I didn’t know that was nonsense. So as the waves went up and down, so did my stomach. For sixteen hours.”

Poor Willie. Standing on a boat, in the middle of the ocean, being openly mocked by a group of fishermen.

So was there was a point to this story? Indeed, so: “The langoustine and prawns go straight to the plates of diners right across the continent. It’s a high value export. But fresh seafood has no value if it’s stuck in a lorry park in Kent,” he expounded.

by Liam Kirkaldy

Sketch: Is the SNP ready for the scrapheap?

It was a good point, illustrating exactly why he’s party leader. Tellingly, Willie Rennie has never denied being a King Penguin.

But where did ‘breaking up’ come into this? Well, according to Rennie, “The lessons of Brexit are the lessons for independence.”

Don’t put Jacob Rees-Mogg in charge of it? No, that wasn’t it.

He continued: “The SNP response to the break-up of the EU single market is to break up the UK single market. The SNP response to the break-up of the EU customs union is to break up the UK customs union. I cannot for the life of me see how the SNP can conclude from all this that the response to the break-up from Europe should be the break-up of Britain.”

Now that went down well. So well, it’s something of a mystery why the Lib Dems aren’t more popular. But maybe that could change. As Rennie put it in closing: “We stand up for Scotland in the UK, and the UK in Europe. That’s what we do... This is why I joined this party, and why more people should join our party… People who share our values should join our movement.”

Come join the Lib Dems – the new centrist party. It’s the same as the old centrist party, but with fish.