Sketch: Scottish Labour looks to the future

The future – that’s what some posh Glaswegian guy was peddling at the Scottish Labour conference.

Apparently, he is their leader of today.

And while he claimed to have been in charge of the party for the last year, with the pandemic and Downing Street parties and now Ukraine, no one has any real idea of who he is or what he stands for. But that is so yesterday.

Anyway, this was his first speech at conference as leader and he wanted us all to get to know him. Like a slightly unusual first date.

Or, actually, more like the VHS dating of the 1980s because he just monologued for an hour.

A very long hour.

He told us about his parents and grandparents, surfing on their story about how they pulled themselves up by their bootstraps.

As Scottish Labour leader, it is important this new guy is seen as a man of the people. But that’s very difficult to do when you went to a private school, send your kids to private school, attended a Russell Group university, and are part of a family which owns a multi-million wholesale firm (though, because he is a man of the people, Anas Sarwar graciously gave up his nearly £5m-worth of shares in that company five years ago).

The salt-of-the-earth Glaswegian used his speech to share the love. “I love the Labour Party, and I love Scotland, and I am determined to change both,” he said.

I mean, if you really love something, that shouldn’t be conditional, right? I love you, but only if you change in the exact way I want, doesn’t exactly scream real affection.

“I promise that I will continue to put my heart, soul and all my energy into making that a reality,” he added.

Though, he didn’t seem sure what he wants to change. Apart from, as the recent rebranding exercise suggests, putting thistles everywhere. It looks like that is the biggest thing he has done since becoming leader. Baby steps, I suppose.

But speaking from a lectern on which the word “FUTURE” was emblazoned, Sarwar talked about wanting to “build the future together”. He accused his opponents of having “an obsession with the politics of the past, with no real answers for the future”, while three former MSPs applauded and grinned behind him. And then he went on to reference Gordon Brown, a man who has not been prime minister for 12 years.

So, what about his plans for the future? “We must start winning again,” Sarwar insisted. Which, to be fair to the guy, is very astute. He’s obviously spent the last year working out that to be able to get into power, you have to win an election. “Winning matters,” he confidently added.

He continued, insightfully: “We will not win if we only seek to speak to those who already vote for us.” Though given recent electoral performance, it seems speaking to those who do vote Labour hasn’t exactly kept voters on board either.

Sarwar barrelled on regardless, insisting politics was “broken” – presumably because people aren’t backing his party – and calling for people to “choose the politics of the future”.

“I shouldn’t have to say this, but sadly I do. Honesty matters. Integrity matters. Decency matters. Words which are alien to today’s occupants of Downing Street,” he said. Though if honesty, integrity and decency is what the electorate really wanted, there probably wouldn’t be a clown in Downing Street right now.

But Labour doesn’t seem to know what the electorate wants. Sarwar pitching himself as the adult in the room while Nicola Sturgeon and Douglas Ross bicker over who is most in touch with the working class hasn’t really worked so far.

So Sarwar is trying a new tactic: “If you have a good idea on how to change our country, share it with us.” Out of good ideas from within his own (albeit dwindling) ranks, Sarwar wants you to do his thinking for him.

In fairness, it does show some degree of awareness that you need to offer something to get people to vote for you, so why not ask them what they want and then offer it?

“It’s not enough that the Tories deserve to lose. It’s not enough that the SNP deserve to lose. We have to prove to the people of Scotland that we deserve to win,” he told conference.

But then losing that degree of awareness about five minutes later, he added: “When the next election comes, if you want to get rid of the Tories, the only way – the only way – to do that is by voting Labour.”

And maybe that’s why he kept insisting Labour was “focused on the future” – because that means it can avoid the present, avoid what the party actually needs to do right now to win back voters, skip all the hard work and frog leap into a future where they somehow bring “new energy and new ideas”.