Sketch: Oliver Mundell considers his career choice

Oliver Mundell is wondering where the last near-decade of his life went. Speaking in the chamber of the Scottish Parliament – where he has been an elected member since 2016 – the Tory MSP admits he is questioning whether they’ve “actually delivered a meaningful step change” in anything.

“What have we actually done?” he asks. “What will people reel off in future as the key successes of this parliamentary session?”

Now, with his “eyes fixed on the exit”, it is time for Mundell to finally speak his truth. And that truth is that perhaps his dad – David Mundell MP – was right after all, when he tried to stop his son entering politics.

Because when Mundell Jnr was flirting with the idea of running for parliament, he had to get his would-be boss Ruth Davidson to convince Mundell Snr that young Oliver was a grown-up who could make his own decisions. Even if those decisions were wrong.

Outdoor experiences help show young people 'what it means to be part of a team' – a lesson few Scottish Conservatives have learned

Back in the present day, MSPs are debating Liz Smith’s proposal to make a week-long residential trip for schoolchildren a right. And Mundell is arguing that passing the Schools (Residential Outdoor Education) Bill might would make his wasted decade less of a waste.

“I have not always been very good at finding common ground,” he acknowledges, so maybe this is his chance. He can finally find some common ground – at least within his own party, which is no mean feat. And he’s been convinced by Smith to back the bill because she is “very passionate on the topic”, his argument apparently boiling down to Liz Smith wants to pass Liz Smith’s bill, so everyone should vote for Liz Smith’s bill.

Smith, to her credit, spends her allotted speaking time actually focused on the content of the bill. She says that outdoor experiences help show young people “what it means to be part of a team” – a lesson that apparently very few Scottish Conservatives have learned, given the group has more splits than a popular banana and ice cream dessert.

While she acknowledges that it will cost money to send every child in Scotland away for five days, it is a “matter of priority”. She suggests the cash could be found elsewhere – pointing to, for example, the £30m of pupil equity funding that went towards public sector pay increases. You heard it here first: pay teachers less so pupils can go on a jolly. With those same underpaid teachers.

Douglas Ross recalls that his trip coincided with his twin sister breaking her collarbone, so he spent the week 'trying to get some sympathy'

Children’s minister Natalie Don-Innes explains cost is her big problem with the bill. While she “values the incredibly important work” of outdoor learning centres, it is “unaffordable” and she “cannot commit to financing” it. So, when asked to put an actual price tag on that value, she doesn’t think it’s that “incredibly important” after all. She is, however, “willing to continue” to talk to Smith about it.

This offer of a chat has seemingly annoyed Willie Rennie. The Scottish Lib Dem MSP, infamous for his many outdoor escapades captured on camera, is naturally an advocate for getting outside. And so he complains there has been “no reaching out” by Don-Innes or anyone else to speak to him about the bill. “I am not saying that I am special – I am not saying that I should have special negotiations,” he insists, before telling ministers to “offer something substantial” because he “might find that quite attractive”. But it’s still not all about him.

The rest of the debate passes with MSPs sharing stories of their own outdoor adventures. Douglas Ross recalls that his residential trip coincided with his twin sister breaking her collarbone, so he spent the week “trying to get some sympathy, saying that I had referred pain”. Go figure.

Ross Greer says his school visited the set of the BBC hit kids show Raven. “The cameras were not rolling when we were there, but we were at least able to use the same equipment,” he reminisces fondly.

Jackie Dunbar tells colleagues about how she found herself “on top of the Cairn Gorm in my T-shirt and jeans, trying to ski”. Maybe that traumatic experience is why she’s not in favour of the bill. 

Jamie Greene also tells a harrowing tale of “cold, damp dorm rooms; the cold running water; the outside toilets; and, of course, the famous midges of the west of Scotland”. But, he insists, he can “see the benefits” now. A glutton for punishment, is Greene, which is why he’s now a Scottish Tory.

And former teacher Martin Whitfield admits that his pupils “don’t remember the maths lesson and rarely remember the poetry lesson”, but they do remember “eating a deeply overbaked and burnt bit of sugar” while sat around a campfire. Perhaps that says more about his lessons than anything else.

Wrapping up the debate, Smith insists all these stories show the bill “is adventurous in more ways than one”. “Let us therefore be parliamentarians who are open and adventurous,” she concludes, practically donning her wellies and parka, and heading into the great outdoors.