Sketch: Neil Gray is sorry he didn’t attend more football

Neil Gray is deeply, truly, incredibly sorry for not attending more football games, not less, in his time in government.

The fact he had only gone to six football matches in taxpayer-funded, chauffeur-driven cars – despite being a minister for almost three years – is a matter of deep regret for the health secretary.

Prostrating himself before parliament on Thursday afternoon, he accepted that he “should have made sure that I attended a wider range of games and not just Aberdeen”. Perhaps thrown in a Partick Thistle or Raith Rovers match. “I apologise for my error,” he said, thoroughly humbled.

Of course he had agreed to come clean about his under-attendance at sport events after the Tories kicked up a fuss about it. But it wasn’t until the First Minister’s Questions sessions that preceded this statement where his error was driven home.

His boss, John Swinney, revealed that of all the things Gray has attended since he became health secretary, less than two per cent of them were sport-related.

The first minister detailed: “Neil Gray has undertaken 347 engagements since he became the health secretary in February 2024: 34 of them in hospital and care facility visits; 17 surgery visits and meetings with GPs; 43 health board meetings; 24 conferences, receptions and speaking events; 152 general meetings; 15 meetings about health service pay; 62 meetings with MSPs, MPs, councillors and media engagements; and five sport events.

“Five sporting events out of 347 engagements. I think that rather demonstrates that the health secretary is focused on the job.”

But it seems Gray had a different opinion. A mere five? Child’s play. He decided to top up that number by pointing to non-football events he’d been to, such at athletics and golf. But he promised to try harder in the years to come, because it was “right” ministers “support sport and are seen to do so”.

And perhaps he is hoping to prove how much he supports sport by taking guests, such as family members, with him. It’s all about bringing in more fans, right?

Rachael Hamilton was unmoved. The Scottish Tory deputy leader accused the health secretary of using taxpayer money to take a “jolly”. “This is pathetic. These excuses are an embarrassment. He is treating the public as fools.” Perhaps she is wondering why Gray did not ‘support’ some of her favourite pastimes – country sports, for example.

Her colleague Craig Hoy wondered if, as Gray “climbed into his ministerial limousine”, the health secretary had considered he might be “taking the taxpayer for a ride”. Though of course if he had taken some taxpayers for a ride, there would probably be a few less people annoyed at this story. Who’d say no to a free shot of a limo?

Labour’s Neil Bibby thought it was totally fine for Gray to have attended football matches, which is not surprising given some of the freebies taken by his colleagues down south. Still, Bibby was more concerned about whether the health secretary had taken a civil servant with him. The more the merrier, I guess.

SNP minion #1 Rona Mackay stood up to praise the government for its transparency. The apology from Gray would not have been forthcoming if he hadn’t been honest about his use of taxpayer-funded vehicles, after all. Gray concurred.

SNP minion #2 Emma Harper wondered if stopping going to the footie would be “detrimental” to government aims. Gray concurred.

SNP minion #3 Emma Roddick wanted confirmation ministers could only use cars for ministerial business. Gray concurred.

Paul Sweeney used the opportunity to get on his hobbyhorse: trains. The Labour MSP lamented the “infamously long queues at Mount Florida train station” on match days. Gray insisted he was “very well aware of the queues at Mount Florida”. Of course he was – he’d been driven right by them.

Greens co-leader Patrick Harvie was also relaxed about Gray going to football, but he wondered if perhaps the health secretary could have cycled there instead. “A great many ministers do treat chauffeur-driven cars as the default expectation,” he said, concern in his voice. Recalling his own time in government, he added: “My experience is that you can get about without relying on them except in exceptional circumstances.” Perhaps the minister would next time consider a more “sustainable and affordable option”?

The health secretary was not particularly amenable to the idea. He was working from within the car, he insisted. Can’t do that on a bike, can you?

Gray later pledged to “not stop attending sporting events or cultural events, business engagements, awards dinners, these types of things.” You do you, health secretary. Make out like a bandit while you still can, 2026 will be here sooner than you think.