Sketch: Keir Starmer insists he's moving 'at speed'. Who's speed?

In these dark times, when economic chaos whirls around us and a petulant toddler with a fake tan is threatening to burn everything down, the UK has produced the superhero it deserves. Captain Beige flies again.

Labour strategists seem to be holding onto the idea that having the most bland man in Downing Street is a unique selling point. Compared to the chaos over the ocean, Keir Starmer does look the picture of stability. Except that what he has stabilised is a sinking ship.

And so, our elected representatives have some questions about his, er, strategy. Captain Beige has been summoned to Westminster’s Liaison Committee.

The session begins with committee chair Meg Hillier highlighting it’s been quite a chaotic week, to say the least. Will the prime minister revisit his economic plans?

The prime minister insists he is doing things 'at speed'... what speed? Panda? Sloth? Tortoise?

Captain Beige admits he has been “disappointed” – not angry – about the Trump tariff tantrum. But, he adds, he won’t “jump in with both feet” on retaliation. Starmer has never jumped into anything with both feet. Here is a man who is a careful toe dipper, gently testing the water for literally everything lest even a slight ripple cause a disturbance. “In that sense, I’m not changing my plans,” he adds.

But never fear, he does have plans. And that is to “turbocharge” what he was already planning. It will be Starmer on steroids. Pumped up and ready to go, ready to deliver more of that change he repeatedly promised last year. Which is to say, not that much change at all. Unless you are a disabled person facing poverty.

“I don’t think what’s happened in the last few days is a temporary passing phase, it’s a changing world order,” Captain Beige proclaims. It’s Trump’s world and we’re all just living in it. And so to adapt to the new world order, the PM has spent “a good deal of the weekend on the phone” to other politicians, exchanging notes on how to deal with the latest tantrum. A call to Supernanny might have been a better choice.

But domestically there will be no change, he repeats. Quite the U-turn from his days as opposition leader. “The priority of growth doesn’t change, the fundamentals don’t change,” he adds.

Hillier is not impressed. Is there anything, anything at all, that the UK Government will do differently, she pleads.

“Oh yeah, there’s a whole host of things,” Starmer replies, breezily. And then repeats what he’s already said. “I’m absolutely clear in my own mind that what we’re doing in terms of going further and faster needs to be across the board,” he adds, blandly.

Bill Esterson is after specifics. What is the government doing to make sure people’s lives are better, he asks.

The prime minister insists he is doing things “at speed”. Which rather begs the question, what speed? Panda? Sloth? Tortoise?

The Buzz Lightyear of the UK Government. To infinity and… no, not that far, that’s too far

“There are things that are already happening,” he insists. “Other things take longer.” It’s that kind of wisdom that gets put on posters and displayed in dreary workplaces. If all else fails, perhaps Captain Beige has a future in writing inspirational quotes.

Ruth Cadbury asks if he has “any specific thoughts” on electric vehicles, though one wonders if he has any specific thoughts on basically anything at this point. Starmer replies that convincing people to buy EVs and then providing a way to charge them would “make a material difference”. Groundbreaking stuff.

Patricia Ferguson suggests there is lots to be done in Scotland’s space sector and wonders if there could be a “standalone minister for space”. A rocket minister. A space man (or woman). The Buzz Lightyear of the UK Government. To infinity and… no, not that far, that’s too far.

“I’ll take it away and think about it,” the prime minister says. The classic response that any parent gives to a child when asked for something they are not willing to provide, but who also doesn’t want to say no.

Naturally, other MPs are keen to ask about more controversial domestic topics.

Debbie Abrahams has serious concerns about the lack of an impact assessment of welfare reforms and suggests pausing legislative changes until ministers can prove the proposals will push people into work, not poverty. But Starmer insists the ministers “need to get on with the work that we need to get on to”. Never mind the consequences, apparently.

Sarah Champion would like confirmation the government will re-instate its aid budget when finances allow. Starmer won’t commit to that but insists “that’s what I want to do”. That seems to be his approach all over. Oh, he’d love to help, he really would, but he simply can’t.

Tan Dhesi turns the conversation back to global affairs and not-so-subtly criticises other countries for raising fisheries in security chats. Surely, he says, now is the “time for unity and solidarity”, not politics?

“Now you’re tempting me,” jokes Starmer. It’s funny because he’s never been tempted by anything in his life. It’s just not the way Captain Beige is programmed.