Sketch: John Swinney seeks pen pal

John Swinney is on the hunt for a pen pal. He’s recently learned about the Republic of Letters – a community of intellectuals who thought long and hard about the Big Stuff – and he’s quite keen to set up his own version.

It’s all part of his style of government, he says. The Swinney government is one of learned men and women who are keen to work with other learned men and women. The man who was once the SNP’s heckler-in-chief now wants to pursue a “collaborative, ground-up approach”, apparently.

What inspired this change in character? Speaking around St Andrew’s Day, has the spirit of Scotland’s patron saint entered the first minister? Oh wait, no, it’s just anxiety about the budget – which is right around the corner. And like Óengus II before him, he is praying for victory in battle and will hope to see white clouds forming an X in the sky as a sign of good fortune.

This is where his letter-writing campaign comes in. He tells an assembled crowd in Edinburgh: “I favour an approach much like the correspondents in the Republic of Letters long ago.” Would Anas Sarwar and Russell Findlay care to join his prestigious new circle of the elite?

“Long before emails and video conferencing, this vast network of correspondents shared knowledge and discovery through an endless number of letters,” he says. So crucially his plan won’t involve a Teams meeting with either the Scottish Tory or Scottish Labour leader. Probably because then he’d have to manage his heckling tendencies in real time. Over a letter he can control himself, resist his instincts, write beautiful prose or seduce them with poetry and iambic pentameter. Or something.

And so, with the aim of “finding true consensus, of peer-reviewing ideas in good faith”, he is sending correspondence to Labour and Tory HQ. You can imagine those went something like this…

“Dear brave and noble Russ (can I call you Russ?) – what are your thoughts on my plans to reform the justice system? I have heard you call them ‘soft’ – surely you are using the term to mean comfortable, plush and smooth? Yours truly, John.”

“Dearest humble Anas, do tell me what you think about our wonderful National Health Service? Isn’t it the greatest? Lots of love, John.”

And in come the replies: “John, it’s terrible and your government should resign. Best, Anas.” “Dear Mr Swinney. Abysmal. Regards, R Findlay.”

The first minister would be undeterred by such brutal responses, however, because he is willing to do the hard work of governing… only 17 years into government. “Solutions may not always be quick. They may not always be easy… This is the approach that people should expect from a Swinney government”. So, a response that is neither quick nor easy is what Swinney stands for – that sounds about right. At least he’s being truthful. They don’t call him Honest John for nothing.

He goes on to list some of the problems Scotland is facing, like delayed discharge and a lack of housing. This is due to “rapidly increasing need” and absolutely nothing to do with him or the government he’s been part of for almost two decades, you understand. He warns that politics has for too long been “dominated by surface solutions” – again, nothing to do with him – and now he must “lay the foundations for lasting improvements”. Hmm, the phrase sounds familiar. Was his dad also a toolmaker?

The first minister eventually gets back to the whole point of his speech: the budget. He says all MSPs should “be seen as partners”. Because partnership comes with “increased responsibility” – in other words, someone to blame when it goes wrong, as the Greens found out. But then again, he’s also happy to blame you if you’re not willing to partner up. “If there is no collaboration, then there is no budget bill,” he warns. And it will therefore be everyone else’s fault but his if there were to be a costly extra election.

Attempting to end on a high note, Swinney opines: “When the finance secretary Shona Robison presents the budget, my challenge to the other members of the Scottish Parliament is this: we can choose to be mired in party politics. Or we can choose to put first and foremost our duty to the people we represent. We can act with wisdom, in the collective good. We can advance the prospects of the people of Scotland.”

Such a stirring speech. Perhaps this is the sort of thing he’ll be putting in his letters to Sarwar and Findlay. How could they not be moved? Now we just need to wait for those RSVPs.