Sketch: John Grady and Kirsty Blackman aren’t getting hitched

Labour MP John Grady and SNP MP Kirsty Blackman will not be getting hitched, the pair have confirmed.

For Grady, it’s because he’s worried what their honeymoon would be. Blackman, meanwhile, says she is “married already” – which just seems like a convenient excuse after the member for Glasgow East had already made the decision not to propose.

The not-couple were taking part in a debate in the Commons on Scotland’s economy and somehow strayed into airing their non-relationship problems in public. Despite claims the relationship between the Scottish and UK governments has improved since the summer’s general election, it turns out that reset isn’t all it cracked up to be.

“I would not recommend marriage with the SNP,” Grady tells colleagues on Westminster Hall. “For your honeymoon, you would be offered the Orient Express – but you wouldn’t even get the National Express. You’d be hitchhiking on the M8 in the rain.” To be fair to the new MP, that does sound like a terrible honeymoon. But then you’d think as a Labour MP, he’d be used to not having a very good or long honeymoon period.

It’s a sad state of affairs when being chief whip doesn’t guarantee you a mate for the see-saw

Back to his relationship woes, Grady compares the SNP to being “like a bad Premier League footballer” – presumably meaning wildly overpaid and grossly underdelivering. Perhaps another reason he doesn’t want to marry Blackman.

And then he accuses the SNP of “taking love for our fellow Europeans a little bit too far”. Perhaps he is worried that, even if he were to marry Blackman and convince her to go on a fun and romantic honeymoon to Paris, he would never be able to relax for fear of those sexy French people. Ooh la la.

Of course, it’s a little ironic to listen to a Labour MP fret over the breaking of vows, given Rachel Reeves is about to (reportedly) break her vow to the public not to raise taxes. The chancellor and the prime minister may have promised to be true to the electorate in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, but now the bad times are here and “difficult decisions” are about to get “painful”. Not sure the typical wedding vows come with that asterisk. 

Anyway, Blackman is unphased by Grady’s rejection. In fact, she’s “very glad to hear, relieved to hear, that he’s not proposing to marry me”. Does the lady protest too much? “I am married already, but I appreciate that he considered it, however briefly,” she adds, with an air of well-I-didn’t-want-to-anyway.

But she may be convinced otherwise, so long as she’s offered a trip to a local park. You see, all she really wants is a shot on a see-saw. “We need to have that see-saw effect,” she tells the room, leading to visions of her sat on one alone in a park in Aberdeen, sadly pushing off the ground but swiftly plummeting back because no one is on the other side. It’s a sad state of affairs when being chief whip doesn’t guarantee you a mate for the see-saw. Maybe that’s why she was so happy Grady considered proposing, because then she would always have a pal for the park.

Blissfully unaware of Grady and Blackman’s relationship woes, the DUP’s Jim Shannon comes thundering like a drunk uncle at a wedding giving an improvised toast. He tells everyone about his love for his “Scottish brethren”, largely because they “know what I mean when I call someone sleekit or a gern”. Always good to see MPs from different parties getting along, for whatever reason.

Lib Dem Jamie Stone takes the opportunity to tell everyone that he’s “keen” on space – insert your own rocket joke here – while Labour’s Richard Baker just wants to flaunt his recent trip to a local distillery, and Kirsteen Sullivan, another Labour MP, is excited that Colin Firth was recently in her constituency. It’s the best thing to happen to Bathgate in years, apparently.

Then Conservative John Lamont brings everything back around to that crucial SNP/Labour relationship. It’s a match made in heaven, he insists, because both of them offer “the same old ideas”, are “disconnected from the lives of the people”, and spend too much time talking about “fringe issues”.

Yes, this is coming from a man whose party was just booted out of government for having no new ideas, partying while the country was in lockdown, and whose frontrunner to be the new leader claims maternity pay has gone too far.

Without a hint of self-awareness, it seems, Lamont says his party offers a “new way forward” and a “new vision” based on “opportunity, aspiration and decency”.

If Grady and Blackman would take a Tory MP’s advice on how to govern, they may also wish to consult Elizabeth Taylor for tips on a long and happy marriage.