Sketch: Jo Swinson goes nuclear

At present, despite the hysterical rumours swirling around the country, there’s actually no concrete evidence that Jo Swinson has access to weapons of mass destruction.

Of course, that could change, and we live in a dangerous world. The public are right to be concerned, but at present, the evidence upon which to base a military intervention against the Lib Dems just isn’t there.

Which is not to say there are no reasons to worry. Clearly there are.

In fact, Swinson – the shadowy leader of the Liberal Democrats – has been open in her pursuit of WMDs. She has been clear in her support of a nuclear weapons programme, and clear in her determination to get hold of them. Worse, she has also publicly stated her willingness to use them.

If Corbyn is unwilling to fire nuclear weapons, potentially killing millions, then what other acts of horrifying violence might he not commit?

Concerns then ratcheted up even further after a video emerged of the Lib Dem leader – thought to have been filmed recently and showing her in good health – speaking after the UK general election debate, in which again she returned to her thirst for nuclear annihilation.

Asked if she would “ever be prepared to use a nuclear weapon”, Swinson didn’t miss a beat. “Yes,” she said, with an apparently enthusiastic abandon. It was chilling. Governments, globally, will have let out a shudder of horror.

But while some proclaimed the need to stop Swinson acquiring the bomb, the important thing to remember is that she does not currently have access to a nuclear arsenal. That’s the good news.

The bad news is that Boris Johnson does.

Yes, that’s right. A man whose only other source of distraction is apparently painting wine boxes. Or as he put it, like a serial killer trying to put together an online dating profile, “I paint the passengers enjoying themselves on the wonderful bus.”

Actually, Johnson hasn’t said much about the nuclear deterrent, possibly because of concern among advisers that the PM talking about the use of Trident might serve to remind people he has the use of Trident.

But, regardless of all that, the idea that someone who expresses a reluctance to kill millions of people is a greater security threat than someone who’s positively looking forward to the idea is certainly a strange one.

And in that sense, we all know who the real danger is here. We all know where the real risk lurks. The true threat to the UK is sitting in an allotment, wearing a pair of spectacles and an ill-fitting suit.

You guessed it, the real menace is called Jeremy Corbyn, and his pacifism is terrifying.

After all, if Corbyn is unwilling to fire nuclear weapons, potentially killing millions, then what other acts of horrifying violence might he not commit?

What else is this man incapable of? The truth is, we just don’t know. He could not do anything. These are people’s lives we are talking about, and it’s hard to escape the feeling that Corbyn might not be willing to destroy them. It’s scary stuff.

In fact, things got scarier still with the news that Scottish Labour leader Richard Leonard too remains committed to a nuclear-free world.

Leonard, a member of the CND, is leading a party which supports the nuclear capability. Normally it would be problematic, but this is actually quite a positive step for Labour, which had previously suffered from inconsistencies between the Scottish leadership, which supported Trident, while the Scottish membership opposed it, and the UK leadership, which opposed Trident, while the UK membership supported it.

Fortunately, that inconsistency has now been cleared up, with both the Scottish and UK leaders currently opposed to their party’s central defence policy.

by Liam Kirkaldy

Sketch: Jeremy Corbyn's manifesto pledges will mean nothing until we get our owls

And so, maybe we should be grateful that, regardless of how horrifying Swinson’s nuclear ambitions may or may not be, they’re at least pretty straightforward.

Indeed, the hardest people to sell the Lib Dem nuclear policy to may be the citizens of East Dunbartonshire themselves. After all, Swinson’s constituency is actually very close to Faslane, the home of the UK’s nuclear arsenal, which means that if she did fire nuclear weapons and retaliation followed, it’s likely most of her constituency would be vaporised.

It is a bold strategy, certainly, raising real questions over how much Jo Swinson thinks the people of East Dumbartonshire hate East Dunbartonshire. It’s one thing for an MP to highlight problems with their local area and quite another to promise to wipe it off the face of the planet.

But maybe it will pay off. Maybe voters will relish the opportunity to be put out of their misery. After all, why bother worrying about the relative effect of Tory or Labour tax plans when we could just open our arms and embrace nuclear annihilation? Why bother getting Brexit done if we can just nuke ourselves? Why work out your views on Scottish independence if you’re about to be vaporised?

Maybe Swinson has finally found a policy to unite a divided UK. Backed by her promise of eternal nothingness, the Lib Dems will surely surge in the polls. Don’t worry about Corbyn or Johnson, vote Lib Dem and never worry about anything ever again.