Sketch: Jamie Greene asks ministers to roll up, roll up! a better ferry

Something about Jamie Greene’s new(ish) handlebar moustache is reminiscent of a circus ringmaster. And maybe that’s the impression that he wanted to give when he launched his now-abandoned bid to be the next Scottish Tory leader. There’s certainly plenty of lions circling in the parliamentary group, and perhaps his new look was supposed to evoke that of a tamer.

Clearly, that did not work. But why let the effort go to waste? So instead, he’s taken some inspiration from the circus and has proposed an innovative solution to Arran’s ferry problem. All he needs is a talented magician. Twizzling his moustache at Topical Questions, Greene asks: “Can I ask, simply, how on earth are CalMac going to magic a new vessel out of thin air?”

Indeed, of all the advisory positions and experts on the government pay roll, chief magician is not one of them. So, while Greene has had this most amazing, marvellous, spectacular idea… how on earth will ministers deliver it if they don’t actually have someone who can wave a magic wand?

Heck, if only the Scottish Government had known this was an option in the first place. A certain former first minister would never have had to pose with a ferry with painted-on windows, they could have just turned a pumpkin, ‘just like that’, into a boat.

Not even the loan of a car from the clowns in charge would be enough to fit everyone that needs to travel

Quite honestly, this solution feels more realistic than anything the government has yet come up with. Because when Greene asks for a response to the reported issues with the gearbox of one of the Arran ferries, all Fiona Hyslop, the transport secretary, has to say is: “My response is deep frustration and concern.”

That’s good to know, minister, but Greene was probably looking for substance, not information on your emotional state. Does deep frustration float? Is concern watertight? Can either get people stranded on Arran back to the mainland?

Hyslop says she has spoken to CalMac that very morning to “relay concern” about the matter. She highlights a boat will be leaving for the island the next day, the MV Alfred, which is sort of good news. Then she adds the MV Isle of Arran will leave service later in the week for its scheduled “overhaul”. Delivering bad news and managing expectations is a difficult tightrope to walk.

And Greene is unimpressed by the cabinet secretary’s balancing act. Or her skills as a seer. “The minister must be getting a real sense of déjà vu,” he hits back. “I have lost count of how many times I’ve stood at this frontbench and heard words like ‘regret’ and ‘sorry’ and ‘frustration’ and ‘concern’ and apologies over endless breakdowns and cancellations on this route.” Well, he’s not wrong.

The SNP does want to be a big tent, after all

And things are even worse than that. The man has done his due diligence – at least someone in this chamber has – and you “cannot book on the Alfred tomorrow. We tried to do it just five minutes ago. That service is now full,” he tells the cabinet secretary. Not even the loan of a car from the clowns in charge would be enough to fit everyone that needs to travel over the next few days.

“I really feel sorry for CalMac,” replies Greene, because it is having to perform a “juggling act”. The ringleader has moved on from magicians, apparently, and announced the next performance. And it’s pretty clear who Greene thinks the clowns are. “This government decided to build a ferry which is not fit for purpose for the port from which it is intended to operate. Unbelievable!” he opines. The SNP does want to be a big tent, after all.

But the issue is no laughing matter. Katy Clark wades in to warn that the repeated problem with ferries is “becoming a national emergency”. Once again, Hyslop accepts the whole debacle is “frustrating”. But as previously alluded to, she lacks the magical powers to wave a wand for a new ferry, nor are Scottish ministers very good at juggling, what with all the balls that have been dropped over the years.

Rhoda Grant suggests a solution for the future is to ensure Scotland has more ferries than it needs – for example by keeping vessels which have retired in good condition for contingency purposes. “She makes a point,” replies Hyslop, having apparently never considered that having spare vehicles would be helpful. Unless that’s what that SNP motorhome was for…

But, she continues, by 2026 there will be many more ferries in the fleet. Six new ones, promises the transport secretary, with all the confidence of a person whose government has not already failed to deliver two new ferries in nine years.

Having broken a lot of the plates they were trying to keep spinning, maybe ministers should, like Greene, look to the circus for inspiration. They could develop some skills as contortionists and bend themselves into a government that can actually deliver. •