Sketch: Fulton MacGregor finds out what he’s at Holyrood to do

Twenty-six years into its creation, some members of the Scottish Parliament have finally realised what they are there for. Some of them are slow learners. Perhaps they thought that being a member meant only that they had secured access to a very exclusive, fancy clubhouse in central Edinburgh.

But in a debate about Lanarkshire’s ‘Northern Corridor’, the penny finally drops. Meghan Gallacher – four years into the job – proudly tells the chamber that “constituents’ voices matter”. And she goes on to praise Fulton MacGregor for “raising local issues time and time again”, as though she’s only just realised exactly why he’s been doing that. Though to be fair, dealing with the constant in-fighting in the Tory party – including running to lead it – was a big distraction from the day job.

Besides, she’s not the only one. MacGregor – nine years’ service – gleefully announces that “it is the duty of each MSP in this chamber to represent their constituents and ensure their voices are heard”. He steps back to admire how that knowledge bomb has landed.

Unfortunately, not many of his colleagues have stayed behind to watch his mic drop moment. Kenneth Gibson and Audrey Nicoll pulled the short straws at the last SNP internal meeting, so they are forced to stay on past 5pm to listen to MacGregor’s dulcet tones. It’s all about camera angles, you see, so when MacGregor is speaking it looks like he’s got the support of the party behind him. The SNP is united, honest. Gibson and Nicoll leave their seats as soon as he’s done.

One other of MacGregor’s colleague does remain in place though, perhaps so stunned by the news they’re there to air the views of constituents that her limbs have been rendered immobile. Clare Adamson – elected in 2011 – says “the points that both he and Meghan Gallacher have made about how important it is that MSPs represent their constituents, first and foremost… have been well made”. It’s good to hear a veteran MSP confirm, for the record, that the views of constituents matter.

“Their voice is a voice in this parliament, where we have the ability as elected representatives to represent our communities,” she adds. Wisely. This is a politician who has thoroughly read her job description. For the job she’s had for a mere 14 years.

One MSP that does appear to have read his job description is Tom Arthur. Or at least, the unofficial description given to him by his boss. Because he opens his contribution to the debate saying it “would not be appropriate for the Scottish Government to endorse any particular view or position”. Which does seem to be the position of many government ministers at the moment. Does the government support new oil and gas development? Dunno. Will Swinney back sending troops into Ukraine? Not sure yet. Has the National Care Service been ditched? No but kinda yeah – it’s Schrodinger’s Care Service now.

Still, Arthur – clearly the fastest learner in the room (there’s a reason this man’s a minister) – advises the chamber that “places have to work for the people that live there”. And to do this, it can be really handy to listen to the people that live there, he adds. A real font of wisdom, this guy.

Anyway, since MacGregor has figured out he is in parliament to work for the people of Coatbridge and Chryston, he’s brought forward this debate on a report relevant to about a third of his constituency. “To some, this evening’s debate might seem parochial,” he admits at the top of his remarks. He might have learned what his job is, but he’s still lacking in showmanship.

Adamson, doing her best to support him, agrees the debate is “maybe a bit niche”. Ouch/ But, she argues with all the flourish of a low-rent magician pulling dead flowers out her sleeve, that’s “the beauty of the members debate”. It can be niche and parochial, and no one other than sketch writers might be watching, but at least they are calling attention to issues that “might not otherwise get attention”, she insists. If a debate happens in the chamber but no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?

Arthur wraps up the debate by talking about his grand day out in Motherwell, which isn’t part of Lanarkshire’s Northern Corridor, but close enough, right? It included a visit to the local Y.M.C.A., where apparently, it’s fun to stay and you can do whatever you feel…

Perhaps if the MSPs had done their best Village People impression, this debate might have gained more traction.