Sketch: Fergus Ewing sells himself

Fergus Ewing truly believes in the brand power of Fergus Ewing.

Like any good salesman, he’s spotted a gap in the market – there’s only one Highland and Islands SNP list MSP.

Taking to the party’s regional hustings like he was selling a product on QVC, he began his infomercial: “In this campaign we have the opportunity to take Scotland forward. We have the opportunity to improve the lot of the people of Scotland. We have the opportunity to show above all that we care.” A strong start. He’s clearly taken on board the key lesson of sales 101: sell ideas, not products.

And what does professional, independent research say about competitors? “Can you remember the last time that you heard a Conservative say and admit that we never voted for Brexit in the first place? It’s one of the things they never mention, isn’t it? Because they do take their orders from Boris – somebody who they once described in extremely unflattering terms, with a campaign against him comprising a word which I will not mention in polite company.”

What could possibly be the solution? “At the last election I didn’t stand on the list and neither did, as far as I can recall, any other constituency candidates in the SNP. We decided not to do so. I think that was a mistake. In 2011 we got three additional seats on the list. In 2016 we got one,” he said.

Never mind the fact that the SNP only got 4,000 fewer list votes in 2016 than in 2011 and the biggest reason for fewer seats was because the Tories doubled their share. Why let facts get in the way of a good pitch?

“I do think that it’s of benefit to have on the list some names that are better known.” Wonder who he could mean? We’re all on tenterhooks.

Finally revealing his product with a flourish, he announced: “People like myself.” The solution to securing more votes, Fergus Ewing says, is to put Fergus Ewing on the ballot. 0800-FERGUS – order now!

But wait, there’s more! “I do think a mixture, if you like, of those who are perhaps better known to the public and those who haven’t yet had the same opportunities to become better known, is a good idea. Particularly for those who, when they go into the ballot booths or when they cast their votes, are looking at the names on the list.”

He’s not wrong. Name recognition can matter. But perhaps he is being a bit generous suggesting he might be a household name alongside other famous Highlanders. Karen Gillan, Katie Morag, Runrig… Fergus Ewing?

Maybe that’s why he later emphasised his credentials, casually dropping into the conversation that he was “going to have to go and prepare for cabinet discussions tomorrow”. He is a very important cabinet minister, don’t you know? Maybe he’ll provide a 30-day money back guarantee too.

Of course, if big names are the cornerstone of the SNP’s election strategy the party may be in trouble with many of its veterans standing down.

One of those is Roseanna Cunningham, who seems to be looking forward to her retirement and no longer having to answer the climate change committee’s questions.

Speaking to MSPs about the climate plan, Cunningham repeatedly insisted it was “not a climate change plan”. “I remind committee members that we are updating an existing climate change plan,” she said. Very clear.

Conveniently, this allowed her to kick some of the tougher questions about policy to the next parliamentary session – when she will no longer be an MSP.

Did the cabinet secretary have a view about just transition? “The update is not, and never could have been, an encyclopaedic version of a plan by any other name.”

Would Ms Cunningham care to comment on the circular economy? “I give my frequent reminder that the climate change plan update is not an encyclopaedic plan but an update to an existing plan over a short period of time.”

How about deer management plans? “I will start with my frequent reminder that this is not meant to be a climate change plan. It is not meant to be encyclopaedic.” The rest of that answer was drowned out by the ghost of ‘managed’ deer, as the cabinet secretary’s radio spookily sprung to life.

Another question she could not answer was about dietary change. But with an election just weeks away, it’s understandable Cunningham sidestepped that one – enforced veganism probably wouldn’t go down well with voters.

But then again, with the strength of Fergus Ewing’s name behind it, who knows? Anything is possible.