Sketch: Conservatives told to get it on

Society needs to get shagging to save the world as we know it, according to Miriam Cates MP. The Yorkshire-born Conservative has seen how the birds and the bees do it, and she wants everyone else to do it like that too.

Make love, not war, she tells a room of mostly old white men – who were delighted by the instruction. Cates made the call because she believes the UK’s low birth rate is “the one over-arching threat to British conservatism and indeed the whole of Western society”. A greater threat, even, than climate change or war with Russia.

Conservatives need to produce more Conservatives, she argues, which will produce more Conservatives. It’s certainly one way of increasing your voter base in 18 years’ time. If you can’t convince people, birth them instead. One wonders whether Rishi Sunak will adopt such an approach as part of his bid to revive the fortunes of his party.

Not having this strategy is a weakness of the wokerati, Cates continues. Babies, she says, are the “one critical outcome that liberal individualism has completely failed to deliver.” I had no idea that liberals have stopped having babies. That does put us in a bit of a pickle. Sorry to those of you who considered yourself liberal only to realise that, having had a kid, you are not, in fact, liberal.

Ah, the two sides of UK politics: fascism and loonyism. What a lucky electorate we are

A condition for starting a family, the MP continues, is having “hope for the future”. “And that hope is not reaching so many of our young people today, because liberal individualism has proved to be completely powerless to resist a cultural Marxism that is systematically destroying our children’s souls.”

Eek, so not only are there not enough children these days, but the ones that do exist do not have souls. The UK has entered some weird post-apocalyptic nightmare without even realising it. Thank goodness Cates is here to blow the (dog)whistle.

Next up is a man that is truly slave to the cause. Father-of-six Jacob Rees-Mogg is a huge fan of procreation (and he’s had sex at least six times to prove it).

But he’s here at the National Conservativism conference not to talk about his children, but to show off how exceedingly polite he is. When an elderly gentleman walks on stage just seconds after The Mogg starts his speech, he shifts aside to give him the mic. Got to respect your elders, you know?

“Ladies and gentlemen, you all look very nice people and I’m sure you are fantastically nice people,” the mystery man begins. What a sweet old codger. “But I would like to draw your attention to… a few characteristics of fascism.” Action is swift. Mogg quickly moves the mic away from the man and begins singing For He’s A Jolly Good Fellow, loudly, in the man’s face. Even when he is shutting someone down, The Mogg has manners. He’d never be downright rude. He probably says “thank you” to his wife after sex.

The crowd cheer as the man is dragged off stage by some surly-looking security guards. “So there we go, our jolly good fellow has had to leave,” Mogg explains. He of course has had to deal with many such characters in his career.

“We believe in freedom of speech,” he says, as the elderly man is dragged still shouting out of the conference hall, “so he can have his national loonies conference next week and he can see how many people he gets to come along.” Ah, the two sides of UK politics: fascism and loonyism. What a lucky electorate we are.

The rest of The Mogg’s speech was uneventful. He merely questioned net zero targets, admitted the introduction of voter ID was an attempt at gerrymandering and accused the prime minister of surrendering to “the blob” – whatever that means. All standard stuff.

She accused the “left” of “resentment and utopianism” – the polar opposite of the home secretary, who has found contentment in dystopia

Cates and Mogg though were merely the warm-up acts for National Conservatism’s true star. The prime minister in waiting (as she refers to herself) and current home secretary, Suella Braverman.

She plays all the classics. She rails against “experts… who think they know best” [EXPERT (noun): a person who is very knowledgeable about or skilful in a particular area].

She said Brits must not “forget how to do things for ourselves” and that there was “no good reason” for more people not to be HGV drivers or fruit pickers (apart from the wages, the long hours, the seasonal nature of work…)

And she accused the “left” of “resentment and utopianism” – the polar opposite of the home secretary, who has found contentment in dystopia.

One protester can take no more and tries to have a go at the home secretary. The audience hiss, as though the man is a villain at a pantomime. Good Witch Braverman looks on with a rictus grin. As she resumes her speech, another protestor yells out – and she too is drowned out by boos as she is removed from the room. They love a bit of drama, this group.

“Anyone else?” Braverman asks the room, to rapturous applause. “It’s audition day for the shadow cabinet.” That line gets laughter AND applause. She really is the darling of the movement. It probably says a lot about these national conservatives that they’ll cheer louder at a naff political joke than being told to get down and dirty. It takes all sorts.