Sketch: Angus Robertson celebrates the success of Angus Robertson

Culture is “a force essential to our development as human beings”, the most cultured man in the Scottish Government (at least he likes to think so) tells the Scottish Parliament. Which is why Angus Robertson is determined to enable everyone “to live a cultural life of their own choosing”. Whatever that means.

The culture secretary is delivering a rare address to the Scottish Parliament, in a rare state visit to Scotland, to talk about what a great job the culture secretary is doing. And to try to get some MSPs to back the budget, because he’s managed to convince the finance secretary to give him some extra pocket money.

Two minutes into Robertson’s soliloquy, Sarah Boyack intervenes to ask for more money for a theatre in East Lothian. The minister boasts he has already offered to meet with the folk in charge of said theatre. He is a man totally on top of his portfolio, pre-empting attacks stage left and stage right. He does not, however, agree to fund it.

Instead, some money will go towards Creative Scotland, he says, who he is also pleased to confirm are under review to ensure ministers are content with “how the sector is supported”. It is absolutely nothing – nothing – to do with the porn film it almost funded last year.

Only a full-scale probe will do. Though a full-scale probe sounds like it might have had a starring role in Rein

Several other members try to intervene on the cabinet secretary, but Robertson is determined not to share the spotlight. He’s got “a lot of good news I want to share”, he insists. This man is playing to the gallery and pulling the curtains on his hecklers.

He concludes his speech by urging MSPs to support the upcoming budget. Forget everything else they might believe to be wrong in the government’s tax and spend plans – some poets are getting a bung!

Murdo Fraser, the most cultured man in the Scottish Conservatives (it’s a low bar), is a little impressed at Robertson’s bargaining skills. He welcomes the cash he’s convinced Shona Robison to part with but adds it “only tells part of the story”. Cultural organisations are struggling, he says, while at the same time X-rated films are receiving public money.

The Rein debacle, a blue movie ironically, has really got Fraser’s goat. He’s not a prude, but that is “nothing short of a scandal”. He calls for the awarding of that cash to be “properly investigated”, only a full-scale probe will do. Though a full-scale probe sounds like it might have had a starring role in Rein. 

Neil Bibby is suspicious about why this debate is happening. He suggests its only because the government “finally has something positive to say” about culture funding – and he naturally takes credit for that, since the UK Government popped a little extra into the Scottish Government’s bank account.

If only the public were as impressed by the performance of MSPs as the MSPs are by themselves

Stephen Kerr intervenes to suggest another reason. “If self-congratulation were an Olympic sport, then Angus Robertson would win the gold at every Olympics,” suggests the would-be silver medallist.

A smirking Bibby argues there is “no need” for Robertson or the government to “pat themselves on the back and say, ‘everything is hunky-dory’.” Everything is not, in fact, hunky-dory. He accuses ministers of dancing the Hokey Cokey when it comes to funding. He’s more of an Agadoo fan.

But what Bibby is most angry about is the biggest “slight on Scottish culture” yet: the downgrading of Robert Burns in the curriculum. It’s a point picked up by other colleagues. Alex Cole-Hamilton says schools are a “fuse that leads to a cultural explosion”. No Burns, no boom, he suggests. Michael Marra is also spitting feathers. “The SNP would do well to reflect on what on earth a nationalist party is for if it is not for protecting the national poet,” he seethes. Less Scots Wha Hae and more Scots Wha Nae.

Other MSPs take the opportunity of a culture debate to practice their own theatrical skills. Maggie Chapman appears to be auditioning for the role of the Greenest MSP Ever, claiming the arts are a “means to counter the pervasive nature of capitalist realism and envision alternatives to the oppressive pressure of the productivist economy”. And people say her party doesn’t get the concerns of the average Scot.

Michelle Thomson – who is only here to recruit for the parliamentary choir – suggests her background in performance has helped her in politics. If only the public were as impressed by the performance of MSPs as the MSPs are by themselves.

Kerr somehow blames the inability to make redundancies for the decline in the arts. He then starts to say something about councils. “The deliberate underfunding of local councils so that ministers such as Angus Robertson can come here and congratulate themselves on spending money is —” but we’ll never know the end to that sentence as the deputy presiding officer deploys a Vaudeville shepherd’s hook.

The mic goes back to Robertson to wrap up the debate. He reminds the chamber to “never forget” about Brexit, recommends that MSPs “use the internet” to check things, and concludes that it would be “very odd indeed” if they were to vote against the budget.

You have to wonder when the curtains will be drawn on the Robertson show.