Sketch: Angus MacDonald has concerns about bald geese

Angus Macdonald, the Lib Dem MP for Inverness, Skye and West Ross-shire, has concerns about the geese. Or more specifically, one particular goose. The golden goose. Which he thinks the UK Government is plucking too much. Ooh err.

Sandwiched between serious debates about support for pensioners and the conflict in the Middle East, MPs are bigging up Scottish whisky. It’s good to have some cheer amongst all the grim.

The SNP’s Graham Leadbitter, who is leading the debate, hails the water of life as a “cultural and economic asset”, and goes on to boast about the 48 distilleries operating in his region. Labour’s Richard Baker speaks cheerfully about some rye whisky production local to him. Alison Taylor, another Labour MP, celebrates on some distilleries and even a bottling business in her constituency.

Jim Shannon, of the DUP, is also a wannabe brand ambassador. He talks about the “award-winning brand” in his area, though keen followers of politics (and booze) will know that as a politician from Northern Ireland, that brand is whiskey rather than whisky. But Leadbitter allows it, admitting he occasionally enjoys a whiskey – just don’t tell his whisky business constituents that.

On hearing this, Robin Swann (no relation to the aforementioned goose) tries to stretch the topic of the debate further. “I do not want this to become a promotion for every drink across these islands,” the UUP MP begins, before starting to promote another drink made in these islands. “Not many people know this, but 70 per cent of the world’s Baileys is produced in a factory in Mallusk in my constituency,” he reveals, adding he knows Leadbitter enjoys a sip or two of that liqueur as well.

“I do not know whether I need to comment on how many different types of drink I consume,” replies Leadbitter a little too jovially. Has this become an intervention?

Thankfully, Macdonald appears not have got the memo about promoting booze or commenting on Leadbitter’s vices. Rather, he wants to tell MPs about dropping share prices. And the cause of this, he claims, is the increase to alcohol duty. “Does the minister not think that we are plucking the golden goose once too often?” he asks. The goose is feeling truly stuffed!

Daniel Zeichner, the UK Government minister tasked with answering accusations of balding birds, acknowledges there may be some “concerns” about over-plucked poultry. But he insists there has been no fowl play. What the government is doing is part of a “fair and balanced approach” to both support the sector and tackle “a whole range of financial issues across the economy”, he insists. Or is this just government propa-gander?

But Leadbitter shares Macdonald’s concerns about high taxes. He says whisky sales in Westminster’s own gift shop have “plummeted” as a result. Oh, the humanity. That poor parliament gift shop.

He wants the UK Government to be doing more to support the sector. Free trade agreements and the geographical indication scheme are all well and good, but could ministers be doing more, faster, he wonders.

Labour MP Lillian Jones stands to defend the UK Government. She argues that in fact the problem is, naturally, not her party, but the SNP. The Scottish Government has “presided over low growth and low productivity”, she says. Maybe that has something to do with the country’s whisky habits – it’s difficult to be productive with a dram in one hand.

Jones goes on to accuse Scottish ministers of focusing on “vanity projects” – which is quite the statement coming from a party whose leader got acting classes in the middle of a pandemic. But anyway, she insists that it is the Scottish Government’s “inaction over 17 years” which has “held this vital industry back”. Does Leadbitter agree, she wonders.

He, surprisingly, does not. And anyway, he replies that “we are here to scrutinise the government in Westminster, not the Scottish Government”. This earns a hearty “hear, hear” from his colleague Seamus Logan beside him. The pair must pass on that sentiment to Scottish ministers, who after all regularly seek to blame the UK Government in the Scottish Parliament.

Other MPs cover a number of different matters. Lib Dem Alistair Carmichael says the government should be “thinking ahead” because of Donald Trump. Sound advice. Labour’s Douglas McAllister is really pleased about Brazil’s love for whisky and mentions something about no longer “just selling Scotland to itself”. Lib Dem Wendy Chamberlain says the UK Government is “not treating alcohol as alcohol”, whatever that means.

Zeichner is unphased by all of this and, instead of responding to their concerns, regales them about his visit to an Aberdeenshire distillery last summer. He pledges to “champion and protect” the industry using “networks” and “attachés”. Truly groundbreaking stuff. Let’s raise a glass to buzzwords. Slàinte mhath.