Job lot

Much of the attention over the last couple weeks has been on the leadership of Scottish Labour, with MPs and MSPs fighting hard for the chance to avoid taking over.

In fact the contest almost overshadowed Alistair Darling’s announcement that he would stand down at next year’s general election. The press were so distracted that they missed the leader of Better Together appearing to suggest that he had attempted to lose the referendum campaign.

Seemingly irritated that a majority of Scots, not realising his campaign was a practical joke, had actually voted for the union, Darling was quoted as saying: “My frustration is that we actually won. You can’t say it often enough.” 

But the media must have been too distracted by the leadership campaign to notice. 

Jackie Baillie will represent Labour at FMQs until a new leader is found and in her first appearance she took an interesting approach, attempting to spring a one-woman intervention on Alex Salmond by suggesting he is ‘in denial’ over failings in the health service. She then suggested it again and again. In fact she said it seven times.

But if the idea of coming to work and finding Baillie there, attempting to diagnose you using home spun psychology is disconcerting, Salmond took it pretty well.

Of course the difficulty with telling someone in denial that they are in denial is that they are apt to deny it. Which is exactly what he did.

But FMQs were just the start – if people thought things would slow down at Holyrood now that the referendum campaign is finished, they were dead wrong. 

Sarah Boyack for example, made a game-changing announcement during a debate on town planning, telling the chamber: “Over the past two summers I have visited a range of town centres.”
Parliament’s analysis then continued with Jamie Hepburn saying he was sick of people making out Cumbernauld is crap. 

But there was no time to dwell on Cameron’s frankly ludicrous allegations, because it was time for Willie Coffey to speak

Cameron Buchanan threw his tuppance into the debate, suggesting one problem is that “people frequently struggle to find a spot to park their car for long enough, without facing potential death threats from traffic wardens.”

Death threats from traffic wardens? In retrospect it seems likely that Buchanan has been confusing traffic wardens with assassins – a mistake that must lead to a whole raft of problems in his day to day life. It is also raises real questions about where he parks his car.

On the other hand maybe he’s right. It’s certainly not outside the realms of possibility that Kenny MacAskill – keen to keep light-touch police regulations to below the level imposed on the average Serbian militia – has now given traffic wardens a license to kill, with the justification that knee-capping those loitering on single yellow lines is an operational matter.

But there was no time to dwell on Cameron’s frankly ludicrous allegations, because it was time for Willie Coffey to speak. Striking a philosophical tone, he said: “Our town centres are like our people: they have a past, a present and a future, and they will never stop changing.”

Now critics might suggest that most things have a past, present and future – that is basically one of the criteria of existence – but Coffey was unconcerned. The man is the closest thing the Chamber has to a poet. 

Then, taking a brave stance against those who have foolishly advocated fixing every one of Scotland’s problems in a single night by throwing unlimited resources at them, he said: “We cannot do everything overnight and we do not have unlimited resources.” 

Kilmarnock was not built in a day! Let it be known – anyone intending to approach town planning in the manner of an infrastructure-obsessed Father Christmas will have Coffey to answer to. 

But if the members had finally succeeded in distracting themselves from job vacancies, Margaret McDougall brought the topic back, making a bizarre endorsement of Derek Mackay’s position.

“With the change in leadership that will take place later this month, a reshuffle is likely. We need to know that someone in the Government is responsible for driving forward the [town centre] action plan.”

Then, basically one step from giving Mackay a conspiratorial wink, she said: “I am sure that the cross-party group will work constructively with whoever that person is to keep town centres firmly on the political agenda.”

It was hard to miss the heavy emphasis McDougall laid on ‘whoever’, while staring directly at Mackay.

Now this was clearly too good a chance to miss. When Nicola Sturgeon arrived, Mackay decided to sieze his moment, bringing up McDougall’s points in case they had been missed.

“I am delighted that the Deputy First Minister has just arrived because Margaret McDougall also mentioned a reshuffle in her speech. I know that is not good etiquette to mention that in the chamber” – at which point he saw Sturgeon’s face – before nervously continuing, “My boss informs me that it is not. However, the point was that a dedicated minister for town centres has been appreciated and the position should continue. That was not a pitch for a job.” Phew! Rescued it. 

But if Mackay thought he had got away with this subliminal messaging, Tricia Marwick then stepped in, helpfully adding, “That is the first time I have heard a job application in the chamber. I am sure that many of your colleagues will help you to polish up your CV.”

At least Scottish Labour leader is not the only job going vacant.